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For parents of kindergarteners
About forty-five minutes, in as many sittings as you like. What you write stays on this device.
An independent learning project. Not affiliated with, endorsed by, or reviewed by Conscious Discipline or Loving Guidance, Inc.
Created by Marc LeMay Design
7:40 a.m. · The bus comes in ten minutes
Five-year-old Maya throws her shoe across the rug. When you reach for her foot, she kicks your hand away.
We’ll work through this situation throughout the module. For now, just go with your gut. What you say here will be saved so we can come back to it at the end.
The approach your child’s school uses every day, brought home. Made by a parent, for parents. Nothing is graded, and nothing is reported to the school.
Click on theTap question mark at the top right to find , the terms from Learn and the words your child’s school uses, and , short lines for when you need something to say. Your saved place, and a code to pick up on another device, are under the i button.
Learn · About 15 minutes
By the end of this section, you’ll be able to recognize your own brain state and your child’s, and learn some tactics for handling a rough situation.
We’ll work through the 7:40 morning you started with, in four parts:
Learn · Done
Go back to any part, or move on.
Part 1 · The three brain states model
How we deal with the world around us is governed, in large part, by which of three “states” our brain is in at a given moment. Each state comes with a different skillset. Conscious Discipline starts with working out which brain state you are in, followed by which state your child is in. Nothing works until we do that.
The higher-reasoning parts of the brain are active. Here we can think rationally, solve problems, and learn new skills.
Skillset: seeing more than one side, making reasonable choices, thinking critically about our own actions, setting long-term goals.
Emotions are in control, and rational thinking is almost impossible. It draws on mental models learned through our upbringing and experience, rather than conscious thought.
Skillset: unconsciously accessing long-term memory, feeling emotions.
The oldest parts of the brain, working below awareness to keep us safe. Under stress, the brain drops here.
Skillset: fight, flight, or freeze (surrender). Nothing else.
Part 1 · The three brain states model
Under stress, anyone can drop a state, and it can happen fast, especially if you are at low capacity.
Capacity is your store of emotional and social energy. Yours can drain after a long day at work, or unbroken hours of childcare. Your child’s can drain just from holding it together all day at school.
ClickTap the animation to see what triggers a drop in each brain state.
At rest, you are calm and composed, ready to think and learn.
Drops to Emotional when: you feel unloved, left out, misunderstood, or frustrated; you’re going through a hard transition; or you’re running low on capacity.
Drops to Survival when: you experience a real threat, or even an irritation that feels like one, or your capacity has run out.
Or scroll inside the box to read each state again.
Part 1 · The three brain states model
The drop can skip straight to the bottom. The rise can’t. Our brains need different things at each state in order to step their way back up.
ClickTap the animation to see what triggers a rise from a brain state to the one above it.
Problem Solving: now you’re ready to listen, think, and learn. This is where limits and new skills can land.
Connection: while in this state, empathy, breathing together, and naming your feelings help you connect with others and with your higher brain functions, moving you up into the Executive State.
Safety: until you feel physically and emotionally safe, you can’t process emotions, understand a limit or a consequence, and you can’t learn. A sense of safety allows your brain to move up and start feeling emotion.
Or scroll inside the box to read each state again.
Next: how to recognize your own brain state in a tough moment.
Part 2 · Your state first
Your child reads your state before your words reach them. So the first state to recognize is your own. Here’s how each one tends to show up in a parent.
A calm, composed body and voice. You can listen, see their side, and think about what comes next.
Blame, lectures, sarcasm, keeping score. “You always…” Sometimes we sound like the adults who raised us.
A tense body and a raised voice, fists clenched, jaw tight. Words you know you’ll regret later. Or the opposite: going quiet, giving up, just wanting it over.
Part 2 · Back to 7:40 a.m.
The bus is ten minutes out. Maya screams, “NO! I’m NOT going to school!” The shoe hits the wall, and when you reach for her foot, she kicks your hand away.
When the shoe hit the wall, what happened in you first? Pick the one closest.
Whatever you picked, it isn’t a grade. A bus, a shoe and a kick are enough to drop anyone. That’s why the next step is so important.
Part 2 · Your state first
Composure is self-regulation, and it starts with you. You need to be back in your own Executive State before you can help your child reach theirs. Without composure, nothing else lands.
It starts with one deep breath, from the diaphragm: in for a few seconds, then out for a few. It’s the quickest way to bring your reasoning back online. Your child learns these kinds of breaths at school, and practices them every day.
Ready when you are.
Next: how to recognize your child’s state.
Part 3 · Your child’s state
Reading your child’s state starts with empathy: understanding, without judgment. You’re looking for what they feel, not trying to stop it. Each state shows up in a child in its own way, and each one is asking a question. Read below to see signs and behaviors to look for to figure out your child’s state.
“What can I learn?”
A calm body and voice. Not necessarily a happy voice, but one ready to listen, ready to talk about what happened, and hear your side.
“Am I loved?”
This one shows up mostly in words. Blaming, name-calling, “you never,” denying it happened, pulling away from you.
“Am I safe?”
Fight: hitting, kicking, biting, screaming, tantrums. Flight: running off, hiding. Freeze: going limp, crying, giving up, or going along without taking anything in.
Part 3 · Back to 7:40 a.m.
The same moment, from her side. She screams, “NO! I’m NOT going to school!” Her shoe hits the wall. When you reach for her foot, she kicks.
Pick her state:
What told you?
Next: what each state needs from you, starting at the bottom.
Part 4 · What their state needs
Few things are harder as a parent than keeping cool when your child is screaming, hitting, or running away. But in the Survival State, their body is asking, “Am I safe right now?” If their body is telling them it’s not, then no pushback will land, no limits will be heard, and no rules can be taught.
Once you’ve figured out your own state and determined that your child is in Survival, there are four moves that will help them rise a level. ClickTap the arrows below to learn about each one.
Move 1 of 4
Catch yourself before your voice goes up. Deep belly breaths. Say to yourself: “I’ve got this. I’m the parent, they need me. Getting angry and yelling back won’t do any good right now.”
Move 2 of 4
A limit is the line around what’s OK. Stop anything that is physically dangerous, and state only limits that keep the danger from continuing: “I won’t let you kick.”
Move 3 of 4
Calmly say what’s going on with your child’s body and words. No judgment here, just say what you see. This is the first step to connection, and you might be surprised at how well this disarms your child and makes them feel seen: “I see your face is all in a scowl, you’re crying, and your legs are in the air.”
Move 4 of 4
Ask your child to teach you a deep belly breath they learned at school, then do it together. If they’re not quite ready for that, keep breathing yourself, and encourage them through your actions to breathe with you.
Part 4 · Back to 7:40 a.m.
Say you’ve taken a breath, and she’s still kicking. Here are two lines a parent might say next. Is each one helpful or hurtful?
Part 4 · What their state needs
The kicking has stopped, but now she drops to the rug, sobbing, “You NEVER listen to me. These shoes feel WEIRD.”
In the Emotional State, your child may seem calmer. But now their brain is being controlled by their emotions, and their brain is asking, “Am I still loved?” Those big feelings are going to get in the way of any kind of self-reflection or lessons we want to teach. So here, they need connection. They need to feel understood, know that they are loved, and that they have a say in what happens next. ClickTap below to see a couple ways to create that connection.
Move 1 of 2
Instead of asking what they feel, or why they’re upset, name it and check: “You’re trying to tell me the shoes feel wrong, and I’m not hearing you. It must be frustrating to feel that way. Do I get you?”
This is a quick way to show that you empathize and aren’t judging them. There’s no such thing as a “wrong” feeling. Naming the feeling shows them that it’s okay to be feeling it.
Move 2 of 2
Two positive ways out, both within your stated limit. They get a say in how they move forward, but don’t get to move the limit: “We still have to catch that bus. Sneakers or boots? You pick.”
Part 4 · Back to 7:40 a.m.
She’s stopped kicking and is crying on the rug. Here are two lines a parent might say. Is each one helpful or hurtful?
Part 4 · What their state needs
She sniffs, nods, says, “OK, I’ll pick the boots.” Now she’s ready to listen and think. Now is the time to teach. ClickTap below to see what you can do next.
Move 1 of 3
Unwelcome behavior often comes from a missing skill: a safe way to handle a problem. Teach it now, not mid-kick.
Move 2 of 3
Now she can learn a limit that helps next time: “Kicking hurts. When shoes feel wrong, you can say, ‘Help me.’”
Move 3 of 3
Work it out together: “Those shoes felt weird this morning. What could we try tomorrow?”
Part 4 · What their state needs
Recognize your state, then theirs. Then climb from the bottom, one state at a time.
The Executive State “What can I learn?”
The Missing Skill, Limits for Next Time, Problem Solving.
The Emotional State “Am I loved?”
Name the Feeling, Give Two Options.
The Survival State “Am I safe?”
Compose Yourself, Make It Safe, Describe the Scene, Breathe Together.
Next: Bring It Together, two new moments to try on your own.
Scenario 1 of 2 · At the checkout
It’s 5:30 p.m. Maya has had a full day at school, then her ballet class. She’s been fine all afternoon. Now, at the grocery store checkout, she’s shouting for a chocolate bar. A woman behind you in line is watching, and you can feel the words coming: “We’re leaving right now! And you’ve lost your screen time.”
Work through it the way Learn did: you first, then her, then what she needs.
Scenario 2 of 2 · At the playground
You’re at the playground with Maya. She’s on the climbing frame, laughing with a friend. You call over that she has five more minutes to play, and then it’s time to go. She calls back, “OK, five minutes. Great, thank you!” and goes off back to her game, smiling and laughing.
Read her as the scene unfolds.
Bring It Together · Look back
At the very start, before Learn, you met Maya at 7:40 a.m. She was in the Survival State then. Here’s what you wrote then, and how you closed each scenario since.
At the very start, before Learn, you met Maya at 7:40 a.m. She was in the Survival State then. You skipped past it then, but now you’ve gotten a chance to practice what you’d say to a child in that state.
Then, at 7:40 a.m.
Now, at the checkout
Now, at the playground
Scenario 1 · Screen time
After dinner. Time for bath and bed. Maya has been on the tablet for forty minutes, and you originally told her she had only thirty. Say what you’d really say. You get three replies.
Preview double-tap to keep Shift-click to add another
Scenario 2 · The pickup line
The pickup line, 3:15. You’re parked with the engine running, and Maya climbs into her car seat. Say what you’d really say. You get three replies.
Preview double-tap to keep Shift-click to add another
Scenario 3 · The shoes
7:40 a.m., the morning from the very start of the module. This time, say it to her. You get three replies.
Preview double-tap to keep Shift-click to add another
An independent learning project. Not affiliated with, endorsed by, or reviewed by Conscious Discipline or Loving Guidance, Inc.
Created by Marc LeMay Design
This module remembers where you are and everything you have written. As long as you use the same device and browser, you can close the module and come back to it. Nothing is sent anywhere: the scoring runs on your own computer, so what you type never leaves it, and nothing is reported to the school.
Using a different device?
Email yourself a link and open it on your phone or laptop. Or copy this code and paste it on the module’s first screen, under “Started on another device?”
Want a fresh start?
This clears everything you have written on this device. It cannot be undone.
The terms from Learn, then other words your child’s school uses, in plain English, most with a phrase you can actually say.
Twenty-three short lines for when you need something to say right now.
There is no pass mark, cumulative score, or report. You will receive feedback as you go, and you can retake anything as many times as you like.
This module is about teaching a skill over time. It never means leaving a child unprotected. If someone is being hurt, stop it first, physically if you have to. The teaching comes later, once everyone is calm.
The terms Learn teaches, then other words your child’s school uses. Plain English first, most with something you can say.
Press ?the question mark key for this panel, and i for About this module. Press R for words to try, once you are practicing.
An independent learning project. Not affiliated with, endorsed by, or reviewed by Conscious Discipline or Loving Guidance, Inc.
Created by Marc LeMay, instructional designer and real-life dad of a 5-year-old.
